What Love Looks Like

So I told him. It took me longer than I thought it would to get down to it but I told him. He doesn’t really care about me being genderqueer and he cares even less about what other people think.

He doesn’t really get it though. He has such a sense of self and cares so little (if at all) about what other people think of him that he doesn’t really get what the issue is. He sees breast-binding as something that’s going to take up more time in the morning and doesn’t really get why I can’t just ignore them if I don’t like them.

It’s weird to think that there are guys out there who would be threatened by this. There are so many people who would freak at the idea of the person they love saying ‘You know that gender you thought I was? I don’t really think I am…’

Shit it must be crap being surrounded by people like that.

Yesterday I told a friend because I was freaking about telling my boyfriend. Her reply was ‘Oh, so you’ll be coming to university in a large guys hoodie and jeans then?’ (which is what I generally wear).

Something that I was stressing heaps about is a non-issue for those who care for me. I am so lucky.

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  1. Your boyfriend sounds cool. I can relate to a lot of what you said in your first post, too, about, “Why didn’t I cut my hair sooner?” Nice start to a cool blog…

    • Kristy
    • September 16th, 2010

    Well done to you writing about it, hope I can be of some support to you xx

  2. You’ve been awesome. I can’t thank you enough! Next week will be fun though when the gossip mills really start turning… 😛

    • Amy Beth
    • September 17th, 2010

    Hi, here I am bothering you again. I just wanted to let you know that we’re holding a blog contest. You’re welcome to submit a piece, or to let your readers know if you think any of them might be interested. Prizes are a free book for 3 grand prize winners. If this is spam I apologize 🙂
    More info here http://elysiumavenue.wordpress.com/2010/09/16/blog-contest-3/

  3. I might be drawing the wrong conclusions from your writing, but is your boyfriend a cis guy? If so, it makes sense that he cares so little for what others think of him. Cisgender people usually don’t have the burden of convincing people that they are who they say they are, at least not because of their gender. Also, being a cis man specifically has all the benefits of feeling natural, right, and true about all the choices one makes and all the space one takes up. Privilege enables all kinds of confidence, and universalizing of experience. So, when he asks why you can’t just ignore your chest, he’s asking why you don’t have his ultra-privileged gender and body experience.

    You probably know this already, or you may think I’m way off-base. I guess what I really want to say is this: you deserve for other people to accept and respect your needs and choices.

  4. Nah, you’re not that off-base. I think some of his attitude is coming from the fact that he’s a cis/straight/white/male but he is normally quite aware of the privlege that he was lucky enough to be born into.

    However while he doesn’t understand what I’m going through he is definitely respecting my choices. At no point has he ever said ‘You shouldn’t..’ or ‘I don’t want you to…’ about anything that I have ever done. In regards to my gender or other things in my life. I don’t think I’d be able to tolerate anybody who would want to control anything about me. It took me a while to learn that lesson though 🙂

    • urocyon
    • May 25th, 2011

    I just ran across your blog, and have been reading through the archives.

    Glad your partner reacted as he did to the news. My husband was not at all threatened when I finally told him a couple of years ago that I’d figured out I’m most likely agender. (After finding out that nonbinary is even a possibility, yeah.) Not that I expected him to react badly, especially knowing I was queer going into the relationship and not being bothered, but there’s still that worry. Now, I’m a bit concerned again since I am also feeling the need to make more visible presentation changes, but reading this helped reassure me that–based on experience to date–that will probably also be a non-issue.

    However while he doesn’t understand what I’m going through he is definitely respecting my choices. At no point has he ever said ‘You shouldn’t..’ or ‘I don’t want you to…’ about anything that I have ever done. In regards to my gender or other things in my life. I don’t think I’d be able to tolerate anybody who would want to control anything about me. It took me a while to learn that lesson though

    *nods* That sounds familiar. I was going to say something about not wanting to live with that kind of disrespect, but you already said it better. 🙂 Also, anyone that caught up in surface appearances, so that their idea of who you are changes; they must not have known much beyond the surface to begin with. And if someone thinks my gender presentation might reflect badly on them, I’d rather know that so I can run like hell. Having lived with disrespectful people in past, I do not want to do that again now that I know anyone deserves better, including weird old me.

    Excellent points about privilege in Oscar’s comment, BTW. That is definitely a factor in Mr. U’s reactions to things. Sometimes it gets on my nerves, different as our experiences have been, but in this case the “don’t care what other people think” attitude and assumption are actually working for me. *wry smile*

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