Posts Tagged ‘ genderqueer ’

Funerals and Shirt Shopping

So I’ve just recently returned home from my friends funeral.  It’s a good thing that me and my peeps were sitting at the back because we did get a bit fidgity during certain parts.  That’s kind of what happens when you have a christian funeral for a hard-core atheist.

On the other hand we were actually invited.  Me and a friend were even palbearers.  I’ve heard of plenty of funerals where the parents are conservative and the children are liberal where the friends don’t get invited at all.

So, it could have been worse

ON TO SHIRT SHOPPING!!!

So I panicked a bit about what I should wear.  Most of my nice stuff are, well, dresses.  So I needed to go shopping.  I’d set my heart on wearing a long sleeved black shirt with a black tie.  So shopping I went.

I’m 5ft 1.5in (I don’t know how to write it properly we use metre’s and centimetres over here but somehow that’s how I know my height)

So, they don’t make shirts for guys with my length arms.  XS got close to the right arm length but were a bit to snug for my little tum and 4hrs of labour hips.  Which is fine.  When I have the spare cash I’ll buy myself some really nice ones and get them altered.  All good.  Didn’t solve my current problem though.

When I went into Hallensteins in the central city I got really nice service.  The guy was really polite and nice and when he realised they didn’t have an XS on the rack he went upstairs to look for one.  He was really apologetic that they didn’t have any in.

So I try the Hallenstiens in my local suburban mall.  They even have a kids section so I thought that maybe I stood a chance.  The woman who served me took a look through the kids shirts and was like ‘No, no black sorry’.  So I asked if there was a chance there was an XS in the adult section.  She went over, looked and said ‘No’.  She was being rather curt at this point.  Then she suggested that I tried a couple of womens stores.  Now, I haven’t been binding every day recently because the heat has just been killing me.  I was binding that day though because I wanted to make sure that the shirt looked right.  The way that I was dressed was an obvious indication that while I may have a vagina (the child was with me too) I obviously don’t shop in the kind of stores that middle-aged suburban women shopped in.

The message was clear.  I’m not comfortable with you.  Please go to another store.

So I did.  I walked a couple of metres over to Barkers.  While the guy there seemed a bit suprised to be dealing with me he was nice, kind and polite.  When it was clear that, no, long sleeved shirts would not fit me he suggested I try on a short sleeved one.  He was even apologetic about it to because he knew I wanted a long sleeved one.

So I bought the shirt.  With my skinny black jeans I looked totally kick-ass hot.  I didn’t wear a tie because the internet informs me that ties with short-sleeved shirts are bad.  I even just got a txt telling me that I totally pulled off the whole short-sleeved thing.  I think my friend would have liked that.

 

So guess where I’m going to go to buy my shirts now?

(although I have to point out I’ve always been served well at the Hallensteins in town.  Perhaps the staff are just a bit more cosmopolitan than the suburban ones…)

Christmas and the In-Laws*

So for the past three years we’ve been spending Christmas with my partners family.  This year when we walked through the door his dad seemed a wee bit startled when he saw me.  Which is pretty understandable when you compare how I look now to how I looked the last time he saw me.

 

 

His mum comes over and visits a couple of times throughout the year when she’s over this way on business so she was already used to my new look.

The major difference I noticed this year was what the guys called me.  His dad and his brother used mate/man/buddy and various other masculine phrases.  Not once did a feminine turn of phrase escape their lips.  It was kind of awesome.

The thing is, I haven’t told them.  His brother has enough mutual friends with us that I have told about being genderqueer that he might have heard from them but they haven’t been told officially.  They just took one look at me and started treating me the way they expect someone who looks like me should be treated.  Which was pretty awesome.

I’m pretty sure they think that somethings up but they are way too respectful to pry.  It’s why I like them so much.  They’ve noticed I’m a bit different and have adapted accordingly but will let me come out to them when I feel ready to.

So I enjoyed this Christmas.

On the other hand it was so ridiculously hot that I haven’t been wearing my binders as I would be absolutely sweltering.  I want summer to be over. 😦

Today it’s so hot that the breastages are producing the oily pre-milk stuff even though it’s been nearly three years since I weaned the child.  Bodies are gross.

 

*Not technically in-laws but it’s the easiest description of their relationship with me.

Raging

It was going really well. So well.

I have awesome friends. I got rid of most of the idiots a while ago.

But I swear, the next person who says to me ‘Oh, of-course! Gender is complete fluid. I’m gender-queer too.’ I am going to hit over THE FRICKEN HEAD.

Right, so those of you who know me, know that I will do no such thing. But seriously, I feel like screaming.

I’m really bloody happy for you that your in touch with your gender-queerness and enjoy being a feminine male or masculine female, really I am. But you manage to do it while still representing to the general public the gender that they expect you to display.

I am not a feminine male. Nor am I a masculine female.

I am a male/female, therefore I am both feminine/masculine.

I was so happy for a while there, I wasn’t getting angry at all. Shit.

Is the problem the definition, peoples understanding of the definition, or am I just being too precious?

Some days it almost feels that it would be worth changing my name (which I like and am comfortable with) and asking people to change pronouns just so they’ll take this shit seriously.

Damn it.

Wedding (eek!)

So a good friend is getting married on Sunday.

On the invitation it said Dress: Gothic Royalty. Now, when your a female bodied genderqueer one of the issues with being a goth is that, well, goth guys can look a bit girly. Now that is more than fine with me, it’s pretty darn hot, but not really what I’m going for right now. Add to that, that my goth buddies haven’t even seen me since my haircut and we have a bit of a style dilemma.

However the groom is a big Turbonegro fan.

So I’m going toned down deathpunk styles. Turbonegro are some of the most testosterone filled Manly Men on earth. I have sailor hat and top and now just need to track down pleather pants. Still trying to decide how much makeup I’m doing…

Cigars, men shopping and barriers

It’s scary making changes. Even though you know that they are good changes, they’re still scary. That first step can be a pretty big one.

I’m ao much happier though. I’ve been so angry for so very long. I’ve raged at the world and not really known why. I havn’t raged since I came to accept my gender-queerness though.

So far everyone that I’ve told has been really nice. I think some of them don’t really get it but they’ve nodded and said ‘Cool!’. One guy trying to get his head around it asked ‘So, it’s kind of like a makeover?’ and said we should smoke cigars when I was done!?! Because I’ve been asking about what kinds of shops they go to a couple of the guys have offered to take me shopping which puts that sexist myth to bed! The awesome thing about University is that even if people have problems with stuff like this they know that they shouldn’t and keep their mouths shut…

It’s not so nice in the real world though. One thing that makes me really sad is reading blogs and watching clips about how trans people are treated in our community. By community I don’t mean the whole wide world. I mean my community, my people. Trans people talking about non-acceptance from the queer community. Trans-women feeling shunned by feminists. Trans-people of colour feeling ignored by white trans-people. Queer trans-people feeling invisible and having to deal with everyone thinking they’re straight!

WHAT THE HELL PEOPLE!!!

The reason why I’m a dirty socialist leftie is because I believe with my whole heart that humanity needs to take care of itself. When we see someone no matter how different they are from us and no matter how little we understand about them we need to help them out.

What the heck is the point of breaking down barriers if we’re just going to put new ones up?

What Love Looks Like

So I told him. It took me longer than I thought it would to get down to it but I told him. He doesn’t really care about me being genderqueer and he cares even less about what other people think.

He doesn’t really get it though. He has such a sense of self and cares so little (if at all) about what other people think of him that he doesn’t really get what the issue is. He sees breast-binding as something that’s going to take up more time in the morning and doesn’t really get why I can’t just ignore them if I don’t like them.

It’s weird to think that there are guys out there who would be threatened by this. There are so many people who would freak at the idea of the person they love saying ‘You know that gender you thought I was? I don’t really think I am…’

Shit it must be crap being surrounded by people like that.

Yesterday I told a friend because I was freaking about telling my boyfriend. Her reply was ‘Oh, so you’ll be coming to university in a large guys hoodie and jeans then?’ (which is what I generally wear).

Something that I was stressing heaps about is a non-issue for those who care for me. I am so lucky.

Above and Beyond (and wimping out).

When I was a teenager one of my favourite programmes was Space: Above and Beyond.  One of the characters was Shane Vansen.  For those of you who have never seen the programme she was a bit like Starbuck on the modern Battlestar Gallactica. I used to run fantasy scenarios through my head where I imagined that I was her getting it on with another character called Cooper (He was kind of human but also kind of not. I’ve always had a thing for those characters that don’t quite fit in).  But whenever I did that the scenario would always end up getting confuddled and I’d end up getting it on with Shane instead.

She was that first experience for me where I realised that who I was, who I wanted to be and what I desired didn’t fit into the framework of all of the narratives that surrounded me.  The stories that I was reading, the programmes that I was watching, the conversations that I was faking didn’t work for me.   As I got older I found narratives that worked a bit better.  I found groups that I thought I could possibly belong to.  At least they fit a bit better than the old ones.  But still not quite right.

I have to start my own narrative.

So I wimped out.  I didn’t tell him.  It’s hard.  How do you say to a person “I thought I should let you know, I’m going to be changing a few things about the way I dress and the way I present myself, so um, I might start looking a bit like a guy.  Are you OK with that?”

He’s just so sure of himself, he always has been.  He is who he is and if people have a problem with that they can stuff it.  He doesn’t feel the pressure to conform because he never has.  It’s one of the things about him that I love the most.

I don’t think he’ll have a problem with it.  I’m sure it will be ok. 

It doesn’t stop me from being scared though.