Above and Beyond (and wimping out).
When I was a teenager one of my favourite programmes was Space: Above and Beyond. One of the characters was Shane Vansen. For those of you who have never seen the programme she was a bit like Starbuck on the modern Battlestar Gallactica. I used to run fantasy scenarios through my head where I imagined that I was her getting it on with another character called Cooper (He was kind of human but also kind of not. I’ve always had a thing for those characters that don’t quite fit in). But whenever I did that the scenario would always end up getting confuddled and I’d end up getting it on with Shane instead.
She was that first experience for me where I realised that who I was, who I wanted to be and what I desired didn’t fit into the framework of all of the narratives that surrounded me. The stories that I was reading, the programmes that I was watching, the conversations that I was faking didn’t work for me. As I got older I found narratives that worked a bit better. I found groups that I thought I could possibly belong to. At least they fit a bit better than the old ones. But still not quite right.
I have to start my own narrative.
So I wimped out. I didn’t tell him. It’s hard. How do you say to a person “I thought I should let you know, I’m going to be changing a few things about the way I dress and the way I present myself, so um, I might start looking a bit like a guy. Are you OK with that?”
He’s just so sure of himself, he always has been. He is who he is and if people have a problem with that they can stuff it. He doesn’t feel the pressure to conform because he never has. It’s one of the things about him that I love the most.
I don’t think he’ll have a problem with it. I’m sure it will be ok.
It doesn’t stop me from being scared though.